Thursday, December 24, 2015

The VIllage Elliot Slumbers at Star Wars the Force Awakens

Don't worry I won't spoil the ending.  I can't because an hour after it started, I walked out on The Farce Awakens, one of the weakest science fiction movies I have ever endured.  

I was first of all bored by the Storm Troopers, the wimpiest fighting force ever assembled.   They still can not hit the broad side of a barn with their high tech but ineffective weapons. After they shoot and miss the good 10,000 times in a row over 38 years, they cease being scary.  If I saw one in real life, I would not flee in terror, I would order a burger and fries.  

"Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?"

Then there are some random crappy desert planets on which a handsome guy (Finn, after Huckleberry I suppose) and gal (Rey) live, and they happen to be able to pilot space ships, and can fix them using only a 9/16" wrench and a screwdriver.
The Galactic Empire decides to kill the heroic couple, but apparently is too weak to get it done. Some emperor!  Next time send the marines, not Storm Troopers.  Jeez.  
If I were to put the plot in 20th century terms, it would be that youngsters in rural England find a message in a bottle with a map to Charles De Gaulle, the one man who can defeat Adolf Hitler.  Well, Hitler finds out about it and sends his storm troopers to kill the youngsters.  But the youngsters steal a fighter aircraft and use it to hold off the entire German army until the great De Gaulle can be found.   They are able to do this by using prayer power to outfly the Luftwaffe and baffle the army, which consists of 150 or so soldiers, most of whom use bows and arrows instead of guns.   Meantime it turns out that the youngsters are all related to Hitler and De Gaulle. Isn't that an exciting little tidbit?  

Throughout the movie I wanted desperately to sleep to avoid the idiotic and boring script, but I was too miserable.   There might have been more to the plot than I saw, but after an hour it failed to emerge so I left.   

Rey and Finn are not only smart and sexy, but they have innate commando abilities, can pilot any starship with zero training and can easily defeat an intergalactic empire. Ah to be that young and talented!  

This little robot may be the father of Darth Vader.  Wow!  Plot twist!


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